01 April 2008

Message in a Bottle

PLUNK! The mellifluid sound of the bottle-born message subsurfaced to resurface and drift into the e-theric ocean. What seamonster there useless as a Eugene Levy-a-thon.[ Teaching Nabokov to glazed pupils redoubles my parapro-pensity toward lexically dextrous solliptical proseurism]. It's notsobad here on ghostofpaper island, but my beard itches and I'm weary of coconut milk. I smoke for signals.

SOOOOOOOO ... the last three posts were not driven well enough into the earthy foundations of e-community. There were no comments. Color me as insecure as a swimsuited tweenager at the public pool, but I'm a puppy who needs scruffscratchin'. Thereby I hereby openly solicit and humbly beg for harmony. Roll call and response like this was black church. The pathetic appeal. All for nought and nought for all.


1). How are you? You look really good, did you lose weight? I don't see you often enough. Stayin' outta trouble? Oh, I was going to ask you about that show you really like / that local sports team / that sports team from where you grew up / that thing that you're really interested in. Tell me about that. You are very interesting to listen to on that subject.

2). Have you ever seen that guy who hangs out in the basement of Lind Hall pretty much every evening ... he kind of looks like he'd be into playing Magic the Gathering and he has a ponytail and black hightops and he just stands at the computer terminal outside 26 and does stuff online for like hours on end ... what's that guys' deal?

3). Do you remember that episode of the Cosby show where they meet Stevie Wonder and he records each Huxtable saying one thing and mixes it into a stupidfresh jam (e.g. Cliff: "Baby," Denise: "I don't know what to say," Theo: "Jam it on the one")? Do you think you could live a properly communicative life if by some hocuspocus you could only speak those very particular phrases?

4). Is Tom Cruise really gay? Travolta, too? Are all Scientologists gay? Did you know Beck and Giovanni Ribisi are Scientologists? Did you ever confuse Scientology with Christian Science? I sure did.

5). Don't you think it would be really stressful to be an airtraffic controller? What's more stressful than that? What about an airtraffic controller, like on the Jetsons, except not at all cartoony so there would be lots of midair crashes and grisly floating corpses? I never realized until some guy on NPR said it but spaceships have no need for our earthly aerodynamism, they might as well be shaped like balls or cubes or anything else.

6). If you could be one of these United States, which one would you be? Or if you could be one of the Ten Commandments?

7). Which could you live without - pizza or justice?

8). Do you think Zeno's paradoxes are mere sophistry or do they reveal something valuable to us about the nature of time?

9). I think it would be really hard to own a mogwai and obey all the rules so there were no gremlins. You can't feed them "after midnight." When, exactly, does "after midnight" turn into the next day? What if I have to drive someone to the airport real early and I want to give Gizmo a muffin crumb or a corn flake?

10). Did you ever stop and think about the circus - like what the circus is if you were free from the contextual situation of growing up knowing about the circus. The circus is fucked up.

11). I feel like I've been talking a lot ... what do you want to talk about?

12). Do you know how you know animals are dumb - 'cause like if they run out into the street and you're driving toward them, they'll run all the way back to the side they came from rather than take the much shorter trip to the other side. One time (for real) there was a bunny in the road in front of me and it ran straight ahead, like trying to outrun my car. Or was it a turtle? Why would there be a turtle in the road?

13). Gorillas are not dumb. Not at all.

14). Did you know that the only guy in ZZ Top who didn't have a huge beard was named Frank Beard? Totally true. Oh, I told you that already? Damn.

15). Who would win in a fight: Optimus Prime or the sinking feeling that you're getting older with every passing second?

16). Did Indians really ever say "How"? But seriously, isn't "Native Americans" just as stupid or even stupider than "Indians" because it just substitutes one Italian explorers cartographical blunder with another Italian explorer's name? Have you ever seen an Indian eat spaghetti? You're lying.

17). I know nobody really asks you "what's your sign?" but if they every ask me I'm going to say "stop" because I like jokes that aren't funny. It's hard to write jokes. Here's the one joke I wrote: "When I was kid, maybe about 8 or 9, me and this neighborhood girl were playing doctor and then, like, my mom walked in so I had to put her spleen back." It's hard to write jokes. If Dave Chapelle hired me to write jokes, I know where I would start ... I just have the concept: Six Degrees of Segregation. Edgy.

18). Did you know the guy who invented the toilet was really named Krapper? And the guy who invented the upper midwest bar peetrough was really named Peripheraldick?
I realize now that that sounds a lot like "Perry Farrell dick," which hasn't been spotted since Lollapalooza '91. Spotted Dick, of course, is a traditional English steamed suet pudding containing dried fruit (usually currants) and chlamydia. Is Perry Farrell like Adam Ant? Is Faye Dunaway like Adam Ant? Is Adamantium what Wolverine's claws are made out of? Don't answer that, it totally is.

19). Did you know there's a kind of electric fish called "Black Ghost Knife"? I challenge you to come up with a cooler name for anything. Anything. When I was a kid I had three fish named Ovenmitt, Roadblock, and Syphilis. Those were cool names. And once in the Bronx in college, we found a teddybear in the road and took it in and named it Sniphilis, the Earl of Rochester (the Earl of Rochester, John Wilmot, was a "bawdy poet" of the 17th century.)

20). Where are you going?


Anonymous said...

I am going here. Home. At the end of most days, and on occasion right in the middle of the days, I find myself home. The sheer volume of days by the end which I find myself home, have lead to this conclusion: I am always going home. I am going home. I have seldom tried to do things otherwise, but I do believe that even if I tried, this imaginary circle would only only getter bigger and eventually, inevitably close itself again. At Home. How perfect the shape of the circle actually is, I can't say.

Madhurima said...

Does the mogwai feeding take into account daylights savings time? What about, more simply, time zones? Do all mogwai get their internal clocks dictated to them by cell phone towers? Does the "no feeding after midnight" rule stop applying if you're in the land of the midnight sun?

Also, re: mowgwai, but not feeding, what kind of mogwai reproductive cells exist in regular water, since spilling some on mogwai leads to mitosis type generation of new bodies? Or is water just a catylyst, in which case, why is Gizmo so much cuter than the other mogwai that burst out of the blisters on his skin? After all, was Gizmo himself not a blister on his mama's epidermis? Does that mean she was supercute?

(What kind of pizza are we talking about?)

kris said...

5. A brief word about the aerodynamics of space craft:

Any deep-space craft, like the Enterprise-class starships on Star Trek (which are built in space), or the Imperial Starships of the Star Wars universe, have no need for wings, and do look odd from the standards of contemporary aircraft -- saucers, triangles, etc. Not aerodynamic.

But any multi-role craft, like the X-Wing starfighter in Star Wars, or the Raptors in Battlestar Galactica, have wings so that they can be deployed (and launched) both in space and atmospherically, above planet surfaces where aerodynamics become important.


10. As a rule, I never, ever stop to think about the circus. Not even now.

18. Speaking, though, of Perry Farrell's dick and English steamed pudding, once at the zoo we did see "Kirk's Spotted Dik-Dik." Actually a small African ungulate, but it was hilarious.

Oh, and in Finland, in the summer, you can't make gremlins at all. Awesome for the Finns.

C said...

A few years ago I was going to my parent's house, taking the back roads, and there was a big turtle in the road seemingly inching toward a small pond on the other side. I stayed at my parent's house for a couple hours and on my way back the turtle was still there. I felt bad for the big guy and I didn't want him to get hit. I pulled over and got out of the car. I picked him up and sat him in the grass near the little pond. I sometimes think about that turtle and wonder if I truly helped him out or if I set him back after a long, hard afternoon's journey.

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B said...

3) No, but it sure would be fun to try

4) 'Yes' to all

Viva La Muerte said...

7) Living without pizza is living without justice. Why is your blog so quiet?

SarahB said...

You say: "I like jokes that aren't funny." I say: "That's not true." At least, it wasn't always true. Think about all those times during college when you would chide me for laughing at my own jokes....Scarred. Perhaps. Saying something about how my jokes weren't even funny....What about that, assmunch? I can't wait until we hang out again, if only for the countless opportunities it will undoubtedly present to effortlessly humor you w/ my non-funny jokes. Like Janet says, miss you much.